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Eat Your Heart Out, Dan Neil!

Wednesday, February 01, 2012
My analogies are as useless as stickers on fruit, but here goes:

As tedious as a senior texting.

Like putting metal in the microwave.

Hits home with all the impact of a DVD FBI warning.

He's got more rationalizations than a math chapter on square roots.

Like Greece is good for the Euro.

As hot as a jolokia pepper.

Like a Honda owner to his brake pedal.

As someone who takes their marshmallow up front, I just don't feel like waiting.


Why Did the Chelsea Clinton Wedding Story Resonate?

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

I attended a fancy family wedding July 24 in Santa Monica, and afterward, I found myself drawn to the Chelsea Clinton wedding story during the following week. There was no shortage of information—my Yahoo news feed carried the articles each day, and I ate it up like the garlic mashed potatoes at a rehearsal dinner. I soon learned that the nuptials would take place in the small New York town of Rhinebeck, that 500 people were attending, and that the cost was estimated at $3 million.

Why so much dish on the net? Why did this particular wedding story have so-called “legs”? True, no oil tankers exploded and no volcanoes erupted last week. It’s summer doldrums, and column inches need filling, like Lindsay Lohan’s hip flask. Still, the stories kept coming and coming. Who was invited? Who wasn’t, and was feeling miffed? How did Bill Clinton lose more than the amount of weight Chelsea insisted on (ten pounds)? Why did he and Hillary arrive at the wedding separately?

I tried to analyze why a 40-something like me was so intrigued. I pride myself on reading TIME before People. I guess I’ve “known” Chelsea for a long time—her dad was president for 2 terms, and she was one of the few children to grow up in the White House. Her dad’s sexual peccadilloes took center stage on a scale not seen since Richard Nixon’s impeachment hearings. Yet, Bill and Hillary kept the fam together, for politics if nothing else. Would-be President and Then-Veep Al Gore might be breaking up with Tipper, but so far the Clintons have weathered heavy fallout and kept the nuclear family intact.

Could it be that Chelsea seems to offer a fresh start for her beleaguered presidential family, and by extension, for average Americans? We love nothing more than the idea of redemption—rehab, wiping the slate clean, remaking yourself--whatever you want to call it. Our prime time television lineup is dedicated to it. Los Angeles is the capitol of the makeover, and Chelsea proposes to give the Clinton family a fresh start. Look at the fine figure her dad struck walking her down the aisle. Mom & Dad’s statement to the press afterward was heartfelt and optimistic.

The couple’s interfaith ceremony seemed to be a gesture of tolerance in a time of divisive politics, such as the demonstrations in Arizona over SB1070. The whole wedding story didn’t seem to have a downside. The ceremony took place as the sun set on a tranquil summer day. By all accounts, it was one of those media phenomena that are too rare—an uplifting, affirming story that stuck.

Memorial Day Meltdown at the Pasadena Baskin-Robbins

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

We started our holiday weekend with cones at Baskin Robbins Saturday. It was the warmest day in a long time, and we were thoroughly enjoying each lick when a disturbance started at the counter. A short, well-dressed Latina in sunglasses had started to yell at the teenaged clerk. "I paid a lotta money for this cake, and I want it right!" she snapped. The clerk said she had to pay more for the cake repairs: "You damaged this cake, and you have to pay." "Bitch! I want to see your manager! I am taking this cake right now!" the lady retorted. From the back, the "manager" emerged--another teenager sporting a rectangular badge. More than one patron looked up with interest. The customer repeated her demands--then unbelievably started wrestling for the cake while spewing muffled epithets. It was a cake-wrestling match! At this point, I yelled: "Hey, lady--that's a teenager!" and two of the men in the shop jumped to their feet. "There's kids here!" "Back off!" they shouted. The slender one who had lept from a booth shared with several kids (divorced dad?) was bristling. "I am CALLING THE COPS if you don't leave right now," Divorced Dad yelled, flipping open his cell. "I paid for this cake, and I'm taking it with me!" the lady said, grabbing for the box again. "Grow up, lady--it's just a cake!" added the portly Grandpa type. At this point, we left--watching DD follow the woman out to her Toyota, and intone her license plate numbers into his mouthpiece.

Un-PC MTV

Saturday, May 27, 2006

The show "Yo Mama," hosted by Wilmer Valderrama of "That '70s Show," is definitely un-PC and therefore worthy of mentioning in this blog. In this MTV reality show, scouts visit L.A. neighborhoods and recruit the "illest trash talking" contestants they can find to face off against one another and, basically, alternate "Yo mama" jokes. Example: "Yo mama's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin." "Yo mama's so hairy, she cornrows her armpits." Those who score highest in these exchanges face off in a final epithet-slinging competition, but first they visit each other's "cribs" or bedrooms, to find dirt to use against their final opponent (a yearbook no one signed, knockoff clothing, an embarrassing poster). Then, as an appreciative crowd gathers around Valderrama, he delivers his signature line: "Let's bullet!" and the two insult one another vehemently ("You be wearing fake Adidas on yo' feet, man--F'AJITAS!") until a panel of judges declares a winner.